


Falling

by kate_fy



Series: Frozen One Shots [3]
Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, I'm Bad At Summaries, elsamaren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:34:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23240308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kate_fy/pseuds/kate_fy
Summary: ''As she made herself smaller on the cold surface of the glacier, tears falling down her face, she couldn’t help but beg for strength to overcome this, for peace and quietness. There was only so much pain she could handle; she was only a human after all''
Relationships: Anna/Elsa (Disney), Elsa/Honeymaren (Disney)
Series: Frozen One Shots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1644952
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	Falling

**Author's Note:**

> Pure, raw angst. Beware.

_Thud._

_Thud._

_Thud._

The only audible sound she could hear was her own heartbeat. She wasn’t sure it could beat again nor if it was whole. _Could it be whole after all the heartache it had gone through?_ She wasn’t sure. In all fairness, there wasn’t much she was sure of these days. 

Ahtohallan held her soul and heart together, comforted her in the darkest of times yet now it felt like nothing. 

_Powerless._

_Helpless._

Still, it was the only place she felt safe. Crawling desperately to the old ways, enclosing in this self-absorbed grief. Blinded by hate and despair. She didn’t feel okay, didn’t feel the same. 

How many days passed? She wasn’t sure. The only thing she was certain of, was the time that was passing in the most unfair way. She wanted it to stop, everything to stop. 

_Time._

_Pain._

_Sorrow._

_Emptiness._

Yet deep inside her, she knew it wasn’t possible. 

As she made herself smaller on the cold surface of the glacier, tears falling down her face, she couldn’t help but beg for strength to overcome this, for peace and quietness. There was only so much pain she could handle; she was only a human after all. 

A far and distant sound echoed in the walls of the main chamber. She didn’t dare to look; she was afraid and exhausted. Small paws caressed her hand in an unusual way. She opened one eye, looking at the blue salamander that was laying down in front of her face. She wanted so badly to smile but she couldn’t. Not yet, anyway. 

A gush of wind blew in her back softly, helping her get up from the floor. _Gale._ She knew why they were there, what they wanted from her and she wasn’t sure she could provide that now. _Could she be a protector, a spirit with her heart destroyed?_

‘’I can’t’’ Elsa whispered to her fellow spirits, laying down on the floor again and closing her eyes. 

When she woke up, she did in a bed. Rays of sun peaking from the top of the tent. She was confused but incredibly hopeful. _Was the past week a nightmare? A lie?_ She sat up fast, ignoring the dizziness said action gave her. The small glimpse of hope gave her the strength to get up and run outside, stumbling while doing so. The only thing that mattered was reaching the tent decorated with a small snowflake and stepping inside, hoping to find the brunette. 

Yet all she found was nothing and the reality of it all came crashing down on her. Her legs gave out, sending her to the ground. Before her head hit the ground, someone got to her. _Ryder._

He helped her out silently, not uttering a single word and Elsa was more than grateful. The last thing she wanted was for him to break down in front of her, not while she felt as helpless as she did. He led her to the bed and watched her settle, avoiding any eye contact. He was grieving too, trying desperately to find some sense or strength to move on. 

‘’We were worried about you’’ He said in a soft and pained voice, something Elsa found incredibly foreign. Ryder refused to look around, feeling the emptiness and intimacy of the place too much for his shattered heart. She wanted to say something, she really did but nothing would come out of her mouth. Her body had closed itself and she found that the place provided the comfort enough to make her close her eyes and drift off to sleep. 

Every dream turned fast into a nightmare and she couldn’t sleep anymore. The darkness suffocated her, the place and the void. Her hand caressed the blanket, the empty spot next to her and while she thought no tears were left to cry, she was sobbing. _How much of this could she handle? How much of lonely, restless nights?_

She wanted to leave the tent and eat, to see the sky _she_ loved or the stars _she_ every night wished upon. She wanted to do so much yet the weight of her grieving soul kept her glued to the only place she thought was at peace. The bed they shared for so long in the confines of the home they had built out of pure and genuine love. But it didn’t feel like home anymore and Elsa was afraid it would never go back to be the place it was, where she felt the safest. 

And while she felt weak and drained, she managed to get up and mount the Nokk, hoping it could lead her to the only place she had left. The only place she hoped wasn’t crumbling to pieces. 

The moonlight was their only companion and while she knew it wasn’t late, she hoped Anna would be in bed, sound asleep. She didn’t want anything; she didn’t need anything except the walls of the room that had shelter her from the outside for so long. 

She wandered inside the castle like a ghost, with no will and no power. A force pulled her and led her through the halls to her room. The blue pattern on the white door stopped her. She glanced at it; the reason unknown. Her whole life had happened behind it and while she resented the way she grew up and the choices that led to it, now it only provided calm. She was grateful for it, grateful that life had chosen her to open her heart and hand her life to the only person capable of deal with it and mend her wounds. 

Elsa cracked the door open and stepped inside, throwing herself to the mattress and letting her body succumb to the darkness. And for the first time in a while, she didn’t have a nightmare. Instead, her dreams were covered with her smile, her laugh and the voice she missed. She thought for a second her pleas of strength and help had been answered but everything went crashing down when she found herself alone. _Again._

The sun was starting to appear and while she was certain the entire castle was still asleep; she couldn’t help but wander around. Her stomach begged her for something and she complied, the least she could do for herself was that. Even though the thought of staying quiet and hoping for death to come was more tempting, she couldn’t do it here. She couldn’t do that to her sister. She had done too much to her, handed over many responsibilities and shared burdens with her, the guilt she thought was over came back again. _Would everything she had overcome come back now that her anchor was gone? Who would keep her from spiraling? Who would keep her grounded and centered?_

As she made her way to the kitchen area, she stopped in front of a massive window pane. The sun was starting to appear, turning the blue sky into a mix of warm colors. Pink, orange and purple. It was the effect the light had and while she knew there was a scientific explanation to it deep in her brain, now it was just about _her_ and _her_ way of view things. The sky was greeting her, showing to her and in the midst of the darkness that consumed her, it appeared as a reminder of the full life she had lived. 

And she allowed the morning rays to cover her, shelter her as she crumbled to the ground, her back against the window. It was hopeless the way she felt and even worse to try to suppress her every feeling. Soft sobs left her mouth, the emptiness of the room echoing. She felt a warm hand on her shoulder, an action that should’ve startle her the least. But she was so tired, so sad she didn’t really care. 

The maid that had walked on her side ever since she could remember appeared in her field of vision, she could see her through the tears that blurred her sight. And while the woman didn’t say a word, her mere presence provided something Elsa couldn’t decipher. There was no judgement, no questions asked, just pure and genuine support and care. 

What at first was a simple pat on the shoulder, turned into a whole embrace that held Elsa together. Gerda softly kissed the young girl’s head, whispering encouraging words and letting the girl let go of everything. While the older woman didn’t understand the nature of the breakdown, she was as concerned as if she did. After all, Elsa wasn’t an open person, didn’t wear her heart on her sleeve. Yet she was constantly amazed by the way Elsa’s affections and emotions displayed in a different way. From concern to joy, a shy smile and honest eyes. 

Her body went stiff in the maid’s arms and the woman knew it was time to let the girl go. Gerda wiped the tears from Elsa’s flushed cheeks and stopped herself from asking questions. The vulnerability in the girl’s eyes was enough and while she was beyond worried, there wasn’t much she could do. 

‘’Dear, have you eaten breakfast?’’ Gerda asked in a soft tone. Elsa slowly shook her head, dropping it immediately, ashamed. The woman helped her up and they walked side by side to the kitchen. 

The warmth of the room took Elsa by surprised. The oven was on and she spotted Alma and Margit sharing a cup of tea. They bowed and left the room, per request of Gerda. She motioned Elsa to sit at the table, while she prepared something to eat. 

Her blue eyes scanned the room slowly. Everything was still the same, even after all this time. Everything felt the same yet it wasn’t. A steamy cup of tea was placed in front of her, next a plate with some biscuits. _Elsa’s favorites_. 

And the young girl fixated her gaze on the steam emanating from the cup. She watched it move, afraid of touching it and making it go cold. She sighed loudly, alerting the older woman, who sat in front of Elsa, also with a cup of tea. 

‘’I’m sorry’’ Elsa muttered for the first time in days. Her throat felt dry and her voice was raspy. She looked up to meet Gerda’s concerned eyes. 

‘’There’s nothing to be sorry for, dearie. Never apologize for feeling’’ Gerda replied while getting up and walking over to the pantry. She walked back to the table with half a lemon and a jar with honey. ‘’Maybe a few drops of lemon and some honey can help that throat of yours’’ 

Elsa watched the woman prepare her tea. She had missed being taken care of. At first, she was adamant to let people - especially Northuldran – to care for her. She had lived that life and she wanted to live now, to be able to provide for herself. But then _she_ came and she allowed _her_ to do whatever _she_ wanted, to tend her wounds, to serve her food and to love her deeply, every second of their lives. 

‘’Gerda?’’ Elsa asked, after taking a sip of the warm tea. The woman looked at her, raising her brows slightly. 

‘’Yes, dear?’’ 

‘’How do you fix a broken heart?’’ She dared to ask. Elsa watched as the woman’s gaze turned warmer, just as her brows furrowed in concern. 

‘’Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it takes a person to help out. But other times, it can’t be fixed’’ Elsa nodded at the response. ‘’Dearie, the burden you seem to carry involves a broken heart?’' 

‘’I don’t think it can be fixed’’ 

Gerda smiled softly, stretching her arm and demanding Elsa’s. Once the older woman had Elsa’s cold hands in hers, she said ‘’Love attract love. You experienced it yourself, when the universe showed you that love can thaw anything. And while it takes and takes from you, it also gives back. And maybe now it has taken more than you were willing to compromised, but it will eventually give and hopefully it does through healing’’ 

Elsa remained quiet. The words Gerda had spoken lit up something inside her. The universe had taken so much from her, so much she didn’t think there was nothing left behind. _Could she wait for this wrong to be righted?_

‘’Is this another way to say that time heals?’’ 

‘’No, time doesn’t always heal. There are other things that can slowly reattach a heart and glue it back together. Warm hugs, for example’’ Gerda replied, caressing the girl’s knuckles. ‘’Your sister wants nothing more than be there for you. Allow her to do so’’ 

And after long days and nights, Elsa was able to smile. It was brief and small, but it was something. Something she thought was impossible, too painful and disrespectful. To feel anything other than anger, pain and grief. But now she felt love towards the woman and if it wasn’t for the ache that consumed her body, she would’ve engulfed her in a big hug. 

They stayed in silence for a few minutes but Elsa forced herself to retreat, mainly to allow the rest of the staff to prepare for the day and also, to see Anna. 

_Anna._

Seeing her will overthrow every wall she had put around her heart. Light every darkness that had settled in her. And even thought everything Elsa wanted to do was to crawl into her bed and isolate herself from the world’s intensity, she couldn’t do that to her sister. She had promised she wouldn’t do that again. 

Elsa knocked on her sister’s bedroom door and waited a few minutes before opening it. The room was empty, bed freshly made by Alma. The maid glanced at the former queen, bowing slightly. ‘’Her Majesty Queen Anna and Prince Kristoff have left a few hours ago to meet with a council member, your highness’’ The blonde nodded and left the room. Her hands were shaking and she couldn’t help but hug herself. The only comforting act she still maintained from her old self. 

Instead of heading to find Anna, the girl turned in a corner and stepped inside the library. She stood by the door for way too long, hesitating between entering completely or just staying outside. She opted for entering and sitting on the couch. 

She laid her head on a pillow, the scent of nature invading her senses. This was _her_ pillow, the one made especially by _her_. A gift of immense love, companion and devotion. She smelled it, hugged it and allowed it to soak up her pain released in the form of tears. Endless tears. 

And she felt like giving up right that second. She hadn’t given a second thought to the blame she had, to the guilt that built up in her chest. There was so much she could’ve done but she was helpless. Without notice, she had sunk into the self-hatred state she used to permanently be when younger. 

Everyone left and while she had been told her powers were a gift, now they felt more like a burden, a curse. _Why would she have them if she couldn’t save anyone?_ She didn’t feel deserving of them, of the life she had been allowed to live. Because while it was full of the privileges most of the people didn’t, she never truly fulfilled her duties in the way people had expected to. Or so she thought. 

_Was there something else for her that didn’t involve pain?_

Her heart ached with newly found emotions, with rage and she felt like screaming. Yet all she did was cry over a loss she knew there was no way she could get over. 

She heard the door open but didn’t dare to look up. Maybe whoever it was could take a hint and step outside, leave her alone with the misery she deserved. 

‘’Elsa?’’ 

Anna’s soft voice filled the loud silence of the room. The sound only made Elsa sob harder, unable to contain the pain. She watched as Anna kneeled in front of her. 

‘’What happened?’’ Anna demanded; brows furrowed in concern. She had never seen her sister breaking down like this and when Gerda had reached out to her, she felt sick by thinking of the pain her older sister could be in. 

Anna’s question was answered with more sobs and tears. Unable to get an answer, she opted for grabbing Elsa and embracing her. The coldness of her body was replaced by warmth, and even though it only added to the redhead’s concern, she didn’t question it. 

Minutes passed and Elsa couldn’t calm herself. She had allowed her feelings to pour out, opened the tap on it and now was unable to stop it. Anna made her feel safe, in the midst of all this uncertainty and loss. She was grounded by her, to a reality she refused to acknowledge or even name. 

And while she forced herself to stop, she couldn’t. _Her_ face, voice, loving touches where everywhere and the more she tried to block them out, the more they appeared. It was as if fate wanted her to grief the devastating loss. 

‘’Please, let me help you’’ Anna cried out, holding her sister tightly. Tears fell down the redhead’s cheeks, feeling the helplessness consume her. ‘’Please’’ 

Elsa hugged Anna’s arm tighter, hoping it would make everything stop. She bit the inside of her lip before letting out the most excruciating words she had so hardly avoided to say. ‘’ _Honey’s dead_ ’’ 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. Not everything I write is angst, I promise.  
> It's just ... there's this thing about it that makes us feel in a different level.  
> I'm not making any sense. That's okay. 
> 
> Maybe I'll write a second part. Something more positive hopefully.  
> Anyways, thanks for reading!!


End file.
